The Joy of Color

     I was driving up north to my sisters very tired, sad and feeling numb in my spirit.  As the miles past, I began to see the colors of the trees turning to deeper and deeper shades.  The beauty I saw was amazing.  The green of some fields set against the yellows, reds and golds of the trees, the patterns of the harvested fields, the cornstalks, the deep orange pumpkins, the sun shining cheerily; by the time I got to my sister, I realized my heart was refreshed and my spirit lifted.  The wonderful Creator knew just what I needed.  My heart is grateful.
    This time away with my beloved sister has been a real rest.  Once again, He knows what I needed.  These simple respites are what we need to begin again, hope begins to grow.  Not that we know the future, but that we can trust One who has good plans for us.  The trees reminded me of His goodness, that the beauty He brings into my life, in His good timing is always more wonderful that I could have dreamed up.  It once again fills my heart with love and thankfulness.

 

How long can I be a blob?

Being on sick leave from work has some benefits.  I don't have to be so exhausted, or feel pressured to do things I feel overwhelmed by.  I don't have to be impatient with others, because I'm nauseous.  I also don't have the burden of need of the ministry.  It's a weird place to be after multiple decades of being involved.  I can sleep, eat or watch TV as much as I want.  I feel a little numb from brain and heart sleep.  There are places I go in all this uneasy instability of circumstances that do not help me to be awake in my soul.  Sometimes we will do anything to numb the difficult feelings.
But, I know myself, having tasted the richness of heart connection to God and others, and the sheer joy of seeing my life being used for good...I am unable to stay a blob.  Blobs become hungry for life, adventure and significance.  Thirsty for life.

My Bald Head

When my hair fell out in fist fulls, there came the eventual time to shave it all off.  Marci, my daughter lovingly shaved my head, while I silently cried.  A woman and her hair are dearly connected!  There is something about losing one's hair, standing before the mirror feeling naked, exposed, showing every bump and blemish on your head, making your face feel unflattering and unfamilar.  My husband came into the bathroom.  Shame.  I quickly covered my head with a towel.  He just stood there and looked into my eyes.  "Honey, let me see", as he gently urged me to take off the towel.  Trust.  I slowly exposed my bald head.  He took my face in his hands, and kissed my head all over and said, "My beautiful wife". 
It reminds me of another Husband who knows our blemished nakedness and sees His beautiful bride. 

The Last Assignment

John the Baptist, wild man, honey licking, locust eating, truth telling, wilderness dwelling man who had a big job in paving the way for Jesus.  He had a big job and did it well.  People turned to God, repented and God the Father used him to point out Jesus was the one coming to take away the sins of the world. 
His honest, blunt truth telling landed him in jail.  Locked in.  Caught in circumstances, no control, away from all he loved.  Nature, freedom, sunlight, exciting work, even food was a challenge.  Looking back, he questioned, "Did I make a wrong turn somewhere?". 
Jesus, reassures him.  "I am who I am, the Son of God.  My life changing works, testify of Me."  God has one more big assignment for John.  Believe and trust who I am.  This may have been the biggest, most difficult work John had to do to this point.  John did not recant what he believed and went on to loose his head.  Jesus dearly loved this wild man and grieved his death.  He said of him, no one born on earth was greater than he.  His last assignment, perhaps the hardest, he fulfilled.  May I have faith and be faithful in the midst of confining circumstances.  May I trust He is who He says He is.

Looking for the Bottom

     At present we do not know if Mark will have a job by October's end.  We do not know where we will live.  We don't know if we will have to leave Michigan and the family and friends we love. We do not know if we will live in this house or it will be sold.  We don't know if my health will be strong or if I will take several more months to recover.  The future is out of control.  In times like these we want to grasp onto anything to bring closure to something, anything so that we would feel a sense of managing life.  It is good to know that the bottom is a foundation that is secure love.  God is good and He has not forgotten us.  Years of proving His trustworthiness helps us now.  He is good no matter what the circumstances seem to say.  And in the midst we experience the love and compassion from others, another example of His goodness.  It makes the impossible, possible to thank and trust Him.

Six Marys!

The idea of going to my first chemo round was not appealing.  I saw it as just something I had to do to get well.  But on the way there, I began to feel angry, then sad.  I started to cry and couldn't stop even in the waiting room of the Cancer Center.  Mark was his usual calm self.  I checked in as Mary.  The greeter came up to me and said, well isn't that interesting!  You are Mary B. and so am I and there is another Mary B. over in there in that chair. Three Mary B's.  How unusal.  In the meantime, the desk called Mary.  I thought it was for me, but no it was for a forth Mary.  When the fifth Mary checked in Mark and I just looked at each other and laughed.  Five Marys in a room of less than 20.  My name was finally called and I went back to the infusion room.  I picked a corner chair and the process began.  I looked up at one point and on the wall at the nurses station right across from me was a coloring book picture hanging on the wall of a lamb.  On the picture in colorful big letters someone had written, "Hi Mary".  I thought ok, God, I finally get the messege!  You see me.  You eye is on your beloved.  You know and care what is happening.

Accepting the Land in Between

Today, I know I can't change what is out of my control.  I can not know the future or make it happen as I would desire.  But, I can accept where I am today and be thankful for simple the joys of friends, a job I love,
a good cup of coffee and my Father's voice whispering in my ear, "I see you, you are not forgotten by me, ever."